INT DOCTOR'S OFFICE IN ASHBURN, VIRGINIA -- MORNING
Jim Zorn enters after sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
JIM: Hi, doctor.
DR. JULIUS HIBBERT: Hello, Mr. Zorn. What seems to be the problem?
JIM: Please, call me Jim. Makes me feel better. Better yet, call me Zorn. Actually, call me Zorny. Yeah.
DR. HIBBERT: Umm, OK... Zorny. How can I help you?
ZORNY: Well, doc, it’s like this -- I’ve felt pretty good for the past couple of months. Real good, actually. There’ve been a few ups and downs, but for the most part, I’ve felt better than I have in years.
DR. HIBBERT: Good to hear. So why are you here?
ZORNY: Well, something happened last night. I can’t really explain it, but all of a sudden I feel like I could pass out. It’s like someone snuck into my room while I was sleeping and sucker-punched me.
DR. HIBBERT (scribbling furiously on his notepad): Interesting. Go on...
ZORNY: ...has anything like that ever happened to you?
DR. HIBBERT: Yeah, once... in 1967. I’m pretty sure it was some bad acid, though. Have you done any drugs lately?
ZORNY: No, sir. I’m a straight-shooter. Nothing extracurricular for me, unless reading a few pages of a mystery novel between drills counts.
DR. HIBBERT (laughing): No, that wouldn’t do it... although it could be somewhat distracting.
ZORNY: Yeah, it could be. Can we get back to the subject at hand?
DR. HIBBERT: Certainly.
ZORNY: So like I was saying, I feel like something happened last night. My stomach is upset today, my head hurts -- come to think of it, my whole body hurts. It’s like someone came along and just took the wind out of my sails. Do you know what I mean?
DR. HIBBERT: Sure do. What did you do last night that may have caused these feelings?
ZORNY: I coached a football game. It was kind of a big deal.
DR. HIBBERT: Now we’re getting somewhere! Tell me more about this football game.
ZORNY: Well I coach a local team, and we’ve been pretty good this year. Exceeded expectations, actually. But last night’s game didn’t go so well. We played this other team from a few hours away and they pretty much destroyed us.
DR. HIBBERT: I’m sorry to hear that.
ZORNY: Thanks. So anyway, there was a lot of hype heading into this contest. I kept telling my team to keep it medium, though, and to focus on the task at hand and not get caught up in all the hoopla.
DR. HIBBERT: I take it they didn’t listen?
ZORNY: I told them to keep doing what they’ve been doing for the past couple months. Stay strong on pass coverage, protect the quarterback, run it up the gut. You know, the usual.
DR. HIBBERT: And I take it they didn’t listen?
ZORNY: Did I not answer your question?! Are you OK?!
DR. HIBBERT: Take it easy, Mr. Zorn. I’m just trying to help.
ZORNY: I’m sorry... I get a little excited sometimes. My apologies.
DR. HIBBERT: It’s quite alright. Keep going.
ZORNY: No, they didn’t listen. I’m afraid I didn’t listen, either. I didn’t take my own advice, which may be why I feel the way I do.
DR. HIBBERT: How do you mean, you didn’t take your own advice?
ZORNY: Well I strayed from what’s been working, I’m afraid. I got caught up in the hoopla. I even busted out some old jerseys that I thought would work to our advantage and get the crowd pumped up.
DR. HIBBERT: Oh, you had a crowd gathered for this match, did you?
ZORNY: Yeah, there were a few people there. The other team’s supporters came out with a vengeance, though. Kind of felt like an away game.
DR. HIBBERT: That’s never good.
ZORNY: Tell me about it. I guess those visiting fans didn’t pay attention to our “Quiet! Offense at work” signs.
DR. HIBBERT: Ok, we’re getting distracted. More about the game, please.
ZORNY: Well a few guys in particular just didn’t get it done, which is really frustrating.
DR. HIBBERT: I can imagine. You never want to see anyone underperform.
ZORNY: Exactly. One guy named Carlos -- wait, this is all confidential, right?
DR. HIBBERT: Always is. Patient-doctor something-or-other. I think I signed a waiver back in medical school.
ZORNY: So Carlos -- he pretty much shit the bed. Pardon my language... I’m not a swearing man, I promise.
DR. HIBBERT: It’s OK.
ZORNY: Carlos didn’t get the job done. He’s been playing really well this season, but last night was a disaster. He dropped an interception that could’ve been a potential pick-six.
DR. HIBBERT: A pick-what-now?
ZORNY: Pick-six. It’s when a guy returns an interception for a touchdown. Pretty stupid expression, I know, but it’s what the kids are saying these days. Anyway, he dropped an interception that was right in his frigging hands! And he committed a really stupid 43-yard penalty that gave the other team possession in our end of the field for the first time all night. And then he practically escorted some marijuana-smoking receiver into the endzone late in the game. His effort was weak at best, doc.
DR. HIBBERT: That doesn’t sound good.
ZORNY (getting noticeably aggravated): Oh, it’s not. And another guy -- a veteran named Chris -- last night he committed a bunch of stupid penalties, didn’t block worth a damn and let our bread-and-butter quarterback get pummeled. I’m so mad I could spit!
DR. HIBBERT (interrupting): Don’t do that.
ZORNY: I’m sorry. It’s just—
DR. HIBBERT: ...frustrating, I’m sure. Whenever someone is under a lot of pressure, a negative result can do a lot of damage to the psyche. Was there a lot of pressure last night?
ZORNY: Is that a serious question? First of all, yes. You know today’s election day, right?
DR. HIBBERT: I’m not stupid, Mr. Zorn.
ZORNY: So today’s election day, and the two major candidates were interviewed at halftime and apparently the results of the game would directly affect the outcome of the election and -- oh gosh, nothing like this ever happened while I was coaching quarterbacks in Seattle...
DR. HIBBERT: Oh, you’re a transplant, are you?
ZORNY: Of course. Who in this frikking town isn’t? I mean, there are a ton of people from here, but you wouldn’t have known that last night. It seemed like half the crowd was waving these little yellow towels above their heads.
DR. HIBBERT: That’s cute.
ZORNY: No, it’s not cute! Our team colors aren’t yellow! They’re maroon and black!
DR. HIBBERT: Please, Mr. Zorn, take a deep breath.
ZORNY: I’m sorry. Can you at least begin to understand why I’m so upset, doc? Nothing seemed to go right last night. I mean, the defense played pretty well for the most part, I guess, but our offense couldn’t move the ball for squat. We went into the game with the league’s best running back and he was pretty much a non-factor. Our best receiver was hobbled with a thigh injury and -- and I don’t really want to talk about it anymore, to be honest. I knew this job wasn’t going to be easy, but man, I feel like the entire region is standing on my shoulders and the weight is becoming unbearable.
DR. HIBBERT: I understand, I really do. I coached my son’s little league team a few years ago and—
ZORNY (interrupting): Seriously? You’re trying to equate a professional football team to little league?
DR. HIBBERT: You’re right, that was the beginning of a terrible analogy. I don’t know what you’re going through, and to be honest, I don’t know if I can really help you. Are there any positives that came out of last night’s game?
ZORNY: Well we have a pretty good punter.
DR. HIBBERT: HA! Hey, I like to be as optimistic as the next guy, but having a good punter is like having a good waterboy.
ZORNY: Doc, we must've punted 38 times last night.
DR. HIBBERT: Oh.
ZORNY: Yeah. Anyway, besides the decent punting, I guess our special teams played pretty well. Our kicker is pretty good, too. And our kickoff return guy has a lot of heart. But we didn’t capitalize when we had the chance, you know? It’s like... it’s like borrowing your dad’s car to take this real special girl on a date, and then when you pick her up and she looks all nice and you scratched the car and all you can think about is getting yelled at instead of trying to kiss the girl that you’ve been ogling for months...
DR. HIBBERT: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ZORNY: The bottom line is this, doc -- we need to do something. We play our biggest rival in two weeks. They have some major issues right now, but they are going to be fired up. We need to be fired up, too, or else we’re going to blow it and be right back where we started. If that happens... well, I don’t even want to think about it. The division that we play in is super tough, and we need to keep up the momentum or our hot start is going to be all for naught. Help me, doc. Please.
DR. HIBBERT: OK, I think I know what to do. Can you take a week off?
ZORNY: Hold on, let me check my calendar. Yeah, we can, actually. My luck is staring to turn!
DR. HIBBERT: Take a week off. Let your players rest. Don’t dwell too much on this devastating loss, because it’s not going to do you or anyone else any good. I’m sure the guys in that locker room are just as fired up as you are, so just take a few days to relax and before you start to think about the game in two weeks. Do you like bike rides?
ZORNY: Indeed.
DR. HIBBERT: Good. Take a bike ride. Be one with your thoughts. If you’re exceeding expectations, don’t let this one loss get you down too much. It sounds like you’ve got a good group of guys, so just be patient.
ZORNY: You know what, doc? You’re right. Our team is 6-3 and in second place. Everyone thought we’d be at the bottom of the standings, so what we’re doing is pretty good, I guess. Heck, this is my first time calling plays full-time. I’m bound to have a few ups and downs here and there, right?
DR. HIBBERT: Well, I think you need to st—
ZORNY: I mean, seriously... I was promoted to head coach of one of the most storied franchises in professional sports, I was basically an unknown before I came here, but now we’re sitting pretty comfortably heading into our bye week. Life is pretty good, I must admit.
DR. HIBBERT: But what about feeling like someone sucker-punched you? What happened to that?
ZORNY: Are you trying to bring me down, doc? Because if you are, I’ll take you down faster than O’Halloran.
DR. HIBBERT: No, I’m just trying to bring you back to rea—
ZORNY (running out the door): Enough with the small talk, doc! I'm cured! Zorny for president! Hip hip...
END SCENE
Jim Zorn enters after sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
JIM: Hi, doctor.
DR. JULIUS HIBBERT: Hello, Mr. Zorn. What seems to be the problem?
JIM: Please, call me Jim. Makes me feel better. Better yet, call me Zorn. Actually, call me Zorny. Yeah.
DR. HIBBERT: Umm, OK... Zorny. How can I help you?
ZORNY: Well, doc, it’s like this -- I’ve felt pretty good for the past couple of months. Real good, actually. There’ve been a few ups and downs, but for the most part, I’ve felt better than I have in years.
DR. HIBBERT: Good to hear. So why are you here?
ZORNY: Well, something happened last night. I can’t really explain it, but all of a sudden I feel like I could pass out. It’s like someone snuck into my room while I was sleeping and sucker-punched me.
DR. HIBBERT (scribbling furiously on his notepad): Interesting. Go on...
ZORNY: ...has anything like that ever happened to you?
DR. HIBBERT: Yeah, once... in 1967. I’m pretty sure it was some bad acid, though. Have you done any drugs lately?
ZORNY: No, sir. I’m a straight-shooter. Nothing extracurricular for me, unless reading a few pages of a mystery novel between drills counts.
DR. HIBBERT (laughing): No, that wouldn’t do it... although it could be somewhat distracting.
ZORNY: Yeah, it could be. Can we get back to the subject at hand?
DR. HIBBERT: Certainly.
ZORNY: So like I was saying, I feel like something happened last night. My stomach is upset today, my head hurts -- come to think of it, my whole body hurts. It’s like someone came along and just took the wind out of my sails. Do you know what I mean?
DR. HIBBERT: Sure do. What did you do last night that may have caused these feelings?
ZORNY: I coached a football game. It was kind of a big deal.
DR. HIBBERT: Now we’re getting somewhere! Tell me more about this football game.
ZORNY: Well I coach a local team, and we’ve been pretty good this year. Exceeded expectations, actually. But last night’s game didn’t go so well. We played this other team from a few hours away and they pretty much destroyed us.
DR. HIBBERT: I’m sorry to hear that.
ZORNY: Thanks. So anyway, there was a lot of hype heading into this contest. I kept telling my team to keep it medium, though, and to focus on the task at hand and not get caught up in all the hoopla.
DR. HIBBERT: I take it they didn’t listen?
ZORNY: I told them to keep doing what they’ve been doing for the past couple months. Stay strong on pass coverage, protect the quarterback, run it up the gut. You know, the usual.
DR. HIBBERT: And I take it they didn’t listen?
ZORNY: Did I not answer your question?! Are you OK?!
DR. HIBBERT: Take it easy, Mr. Zorn. I’m just trying to help.
ZORNY: I’m sorry... I get a little excited sometimes. My apologies.
DR. HIBBERT: It’s quite alright. Keep going.
ZORNY: No, they didn’t listen. I’m afraid I didn’t listen, either. I didn’t take my own advice, which may be why I feel the way I do.
DR. HIBBERT: How do you mean, you didn’t take your own advice?
ZORNY: Well I strayed from what’s been working, I’m afraid. I got caught up in the hoopla. I even busted out some old jerseys that I thought would work to our advantage and get the crowd pumped up.
DR. HIBBERT: Oh, you had a crowd gathered for this match, did you?
ZORNY: Yeah, there were a few people there. The other team’s supporters came out with a vengeance, though. Kind of felt like an away game.
DR. HIBBERT: That’s never good.
ZORNY: Tell me about it. I guess those visiting fans didn’t pay attention to our “Quiet! Offense at work” signs.
DR. HIBBERT: Ok, we’re getting distracted. More about the game, please.
ZORNY: Well a few guys in particular just didn’t get it done, which is really frustrating.
DR. HIBBERT: I can imagine. You never want to see anyone underperform.
ZORNY: Exactly. One guy named Carlos -- wait, this is all confidential, right?
DR. HIBBERT: Always is. Patient-doctor something-or-other. I think I signed a waiver back in medical school.
ZORNY: So Carlos -- he pretty much shit the bed. Pardon my language... I’m not a swearing man, I promise.
DR. HIBBERT: It’s OK.
ZORNY: Carlos didn’t get the job done. He’s been playing really well this season, but last night was a disaster. He dropped an interception that could’ve been a potential pick-six.
DR. HIBBERT: A pick-what-now?
ZORNY: Pick-six. It’s when a guy returns an interception for a touchdown. Pretty stupid expression, I know, but it’s what the kids are saying these days. Anyway, he dropped an interception that was right in his frigging hands! And he committed a really stupid 43-yard penalty that gave the other team possession in our end of the field for the first time all night. And then he practically escorted some marijuana-smoking receiver into the endzone late in the game. His effort was weak at best, doc.
DR. HIBBERT: That doesn’t sound good.
ZORNY (getting noticeably aggravated): Oh, it’s not. And another guy -- a veteran named Chris -- last night he committed a bunch of stupid penalties, didn’t block worth a damn and let our bread-and-butter quarterback get pummeled. I’m so mad I could spit!
DR. HIBBERT (interrupting): Don’t do that.
ZORNY: I’m sorry. It’s just—
DR. HIBBERT: ...frustrating, I’m sure. Whenever someone is under a lot of pressure, a negative result can do a lot of damage to the psyche. Was there a lot of pressure last night?
ZORNY: Is that a serious question? First of all, yes. You know today’s election day, right?
DR. HIBBERT: I’m not stupid, Mr. Zorn.
ZORNY: So today’s election day, and the two major candidates were interviewed at halftime and apparently the results of the game would directly affect the outcome of the election and -- oh gosh, nothing like this ever happened while I was coaching quarterbacks in Seattle...
DR. HIBBERT: Oh, you’re a transplant, are you?
ZORNY: Of course. Who in this frikking town isn’t? I mean, there are a ton of people from here, but you wouldn’t have known that last night. It seemed like half the crowd was waving these little yellow towels above their heads.
DR. HIBBERT: That’s cute.
ZORNY: No, it’s not cute! Our team colors aren’t yellow! They’re maroon and black!
DR. HIBBERT: Please, Mr. Zorn, take a deep breath.
ZORNY: I’m sorry. Can you at least begin to understand why I’m so upset, doc? Nothing seemed to go right last night. I mean, the defense played pretty well for the most part, I guess, but our offense couldn’t move the ball for squat. We went into the game with the league’s best running back and he was pretty much a non-factor. Our best receiver was hobbled with a thigh injury and -- and I don’t really want to talk about it anymore, to be honest. I knew this job wasn’t going to be easy, but man, I feel like the entire region is standing on my shoulders and the weight is becoming unbearable.
DR. HIBBERT: I understand, I really do. I coached my son’s little league team a few years ago and—
ZORNY (interrupting): Seriously? You’re trying to equate a professional football team to little league?
DR. HIBBERT: You’re right, that was the beginning of a terrible analogy. I don’t know what you’re going through, and to be honest, I don’t know if I can really help you. Are there any positives that came out of last night’s game?
ZORNY: Well we have a pretty good punter.
DR. HIBBERT: HA! Hey, I like to be as optimistic as the next guy, but having a good punter is like having a good waterboy.
ZORNY: Doc, we must've punted 38 times last night.
DR. HIBBERT: Oh.
ZORNY: Yeah. Anyway, besides the decent punting, I guess our special teams played pretty well. Our kicker is pretty good, too. And our kickoff return guy has a lot of heart. But we didn’t capitalize when we had the chance, you know? It’s like... it’s like borrowing your dad’s car to take this real special girl on a date, and then when you pick her up and she looks all nice and you scratched the car and all you can think about is getting yelled at instead of trying to kiss the girl that you’ve been ogling for months...
DR. HIBBERT: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ZORNY: The bottom line is this, doc -- we need to do something. We play our biggest rival in two weeks. They have some major issues right now, but they are going to be fired up. We need to be fired up, too, or else we’re going to blow it and be right back where we started. If that happens... well, I don’t even want to think about it. The division that we play in is super tough, and we need to keep up the momentum or our hot start is going to be all for naught. Help me, doc. Please.
DR. HIBBERT: OK, I think I know what to do. Can you take a week off?
ZORNY: Hold on, let me check my calendar. Yeah, we can, actually. My luck is staring to turn!
DR. HIBBERT: Take a week off. Let your players rest. Don’t dwell too much on this devastating loss, because it’s not going to do you or anyone else any good. I’m sure the guys in that locker room are just as fired up as you are, so just take a few days to relax and before you start to think about the game in two weeks. Do you like bike rides?
ZORNY: Indeed.
DR. HIBBERT: Good. Take a bike ride. Be one with your thoughts. If you’re exceeding expectations, don’t let this one loss get you down too much. It sounds like you’ve got a good group of guys, so just be patient.
ZORNY: You know what, doc? You’re right. Our team is 6-3 and in second place. Everyone thought we’d be at the bottom of the standings, so what we’re doing is pretty good, I guess. Heck, this is my first time calling plays full-time. I’m bound to have a few ups and downs here and there, right?
DR. HIBBERT: Well, I think you need to st—
ZORNY: I mean, seriously... I was promoted to head coach of one of the most storied franchises in professional sports, I was basically an unknown before I came here, but now we’re sitting pretty comfortably heading into our bye week. Life is pretty good, I must admit.
DR. HIBBERT: But what about feeling like someone sucker-punched you? What happened to that?
ZORNY: Are you trying to bring me down, doc? Because if you are, I’ll take you down faster than O’Halloran.
DR. HIBBERT: No, I’m just trying to bring you back to rea—
ZORNY (running out the door): Enough with the small talk, doc! I'm cured! Zorny for president! Hip hip...
END SCENE
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